9-16-99
you have no idea how depressed i am. i hate
life, i hate myself. there is no point to my life. i am totally
worthless shit. i am such a fucking twelve year old. i never have
anything intelligent or worthwhile to say. my life is going nowhere.
i can't do a damn thing for myself, i can't even make kool-aid. i am the
clumsiest person ever. i hate myself so much that i cut myself. no one
ever listens to me. i am so immature and psycho. i have no ambition and
i'm afraid to try anything new by myself. i am afraid of everything.
i am a horrible person. i finally know that i am a horrible friend, i
proved that today. i am selfish. i don't and never have played well with
others, especially girls. i hate people, but that's okay because they hate
me, too. but why should they like me when i don't even like myself.
i have no real friends, but i'm not a real friend either. I guess i only
have "fake " friends... like how pn isn't a "real" band,
they're a "fake" one...hahaha...i'm a dork, i can never be serious or
seductive, or sexy...just a dork. blah blah blah. why do i even write.....
no one cares,, not even me anymore... or him.....
i will always live in my own private little hell, trapped inside this cell of expectation.
i will never be happy because i will always be
me... and that is just something i don't want to be....
5-29-99
you were put on this earth to make me feel like
shit, with your demeaning looks and your blank stares. you can no longer
hurt me. fuck off.
4-16-99
i can't believe that this is my life. nothing i do
is ever good enough for you. i've given you all i can. why do you
look at me with such false accusations? how can you say that i used you??
i did all i could. if i were using you, why would this hurt so much, and
why would i have listened to your psycho ass?? you are the user. you
just throw away your friends when you are done with them, like trash, i am your
trash. you used me and then you threw me away. you were never a good
friend. you cunt ass bitch, fuck you.
2-13-99
these people scare me. i feel so helpless.
like i'm just floating in the breeze, like a tiny feather. i am so scared.
guys look at me like i'm a piece of meat. like i'm just some pussy to
fuck... and then leave. they all want a piece of this ass. i am more
than that. there is so much more here... there is a mind and soul inside
of this body. i'm more than a good fuck. people seem so sex
obsessed. just fucking to fuck. no feelings behind the actions. and
don't forget to count up all the pussy you can get! and fuck any fresh thing
that comes along. i'm not your whore, but you make me feel like one. you want to
put your hard cock inside of me and strip away any shred of purity i have
left... which isn't much. why me? i am running around aimlessly in
search for some security. i am so lost without you. my world has
been turned upside down. i am so frightened and confused. the world
just doesn't seem right any more. we are all just lost souls.
you said that you loved me... why is he staring at me? he scares
me.. he is too close.. i fear for my safety. help me.. don't let him hurt
me.... how could you do this to me? will i ever get passed this? i am so
tired. i will never find what i truly want. nothing is solid in this
world. we all walk on air. you taught me that. nothing is ever what
it seems to be. you weren't. you lied to me... he continues to stare
at me, eying my every feature, as if i am beautiful. i pretend like i
don't even notice him staring.. i pretend that i don't even notice him at
all. for once, this is a time when i would rather be ignored. he
knows nothing about me. i'm not pretty. everyone leaves me. i
am so ugly. i am not happy. only psycho guys want me. they scare me.
he continues to stare, i continue to pretend i don't notice. they old guy
wanders around taking pictures of me. the two lesbians look me up and
down. i'm still a piece of meat. QUIT LOOKING AT ME!!! i am so pale.
white is pure. i'm not pure. these people are so weird. the
old guy scares me. my eyes hurt. my throat is sore. my body is weak
and malnutritioned. i haven't eaten for days. his life is consumed by
drugs... what a loser. i am not a people person. why is he drawing
me?? i just want to sleep. i am in so much pain.
2-6-99
my world is crumbling before me. i'm so
scared. how did i let this happen? one moment my life was perfect.
then you left me and it all went to hell. you were my safety blanket.
i always knew that you would take care of me. as long as you were around,
i'd be safe. you wouldn't let anything happen to me. now i'm alone
and scared. i have no where to go. you were always there for
me, where are you now. not in my arms where you belong.
you left me with this great fear. i am alone, completely and utterly
alone. helpless and pathetic. i was so safe in your arms.
please some back to me. why did you leave me? i'm frightened. i love
you... i miss you. i need you.. i have nothing... absolutely nothing. i
miss you. i cry an ocean of tears every night... for you. i dream
about you every night. how could you do this to me? i don't
like being alone. i don't like being avoided. i don't like begin excluded.
and i don't like you.
everything copywritten 1999 Melissa Ann Cook